I’m not the girl you put your trust in, just someone who looks like me

Warning: Hideous imagery ahead!! You have been warned.

Got a lot of bad news last night and the upshot (downshot?) is that I am moving back to my parents’ place. Which sucks giant, swollen, pus-covered donkey balls. They, as you can imagine, are equally thrilled. I was very miserable about it last night when I realized. I knew talking about it just then would just make me more miserable, so what is a girl to do but distract herself with television? Since I’ve talked a bit here about how much support I get from my derby friends, it should come as no surprise that when I was trying to find something to watch that wouldn’t be tainted by my state of misery, I turned to derby and watched Brutal Beauty: Tales of the Rose City Rollers, which has been hanging out on my netflix queue for a few months. 10 minutes in I wasn’t thinking about bills and moving and the suck that is living with my parents (I love them, don’t get me wrong, but we get along much better with at least 1 state line between us!) I was thinking about how much it sucks that it’s raining because I want to skate and I think I finally found a spot to skate near my apartment (you can bet your ass I’ll be spending tomorrow morning out there!) I was thinking how I have survived so much and I will survive this too, and soon I’ll be in the position to not only survive this but rise so far above it, everyone involved will be tiny ants. When it was over, I was still dragging, but I had the confidence needed to not collapse in a puddle of depression. This isn’t the outcome I wanted, but at least things aren’t up in the air and I can’t change how things are, just how they will be going forward.

As I drove into work this morning a thought occurred to me- maybe my extreme sleepiness this week (which still kept me in bed well past workout time this morning, dammit) is a symptom of me subconsciously knowing this was coming and my depression as a result of it. If that’s the case, I know how to deal with it, and can finally turn it around instead of hoping that tomorrow will be different.

Before getting news, I made peppermint meringues for a cookie swap. I assumed I hated meringues because I am not crazy for marshmallows or non-chocolate souffles, and they are very similar. Turns out I am crazy and meringues are delicious. I might make some more tomorrow after I bake some other stuff.

tonight: I am getting my hair cut (it’s two separate lengths because I was growing out some serious layers), spending some time taking care of The Boy (and hopefully watching some Game of Thrones!)
tomorrow: skating in the morning! Hopefully it won’t be raining. If so I’ll stay in and try some workout stuff out, I guess. but I wanna skate!! afternoon will be spent baking. evening: holiday party with some friends from the other side of town (as I refer to That State Over There, until I move back to it, anyway. DC is smack in the middle.)
Sunday: Some packing/cleaning, brief cookie swap party, and time with the boy.
M-W working my 20 hours for the week. I think I’ll be spending Thursday and Friday and possibly Saturday cleaning up mom and dad’s basement (their Christmas present, plus now I’ll be living there so I need to clear space for my stuff) except when I am celebrating The Boy’s birthday with him (he’s all “we don’t need to do anything, I’m used to holidays alone, I like doing my own thing” and I’m all “uhm, we HAVE to do SOMETHING!” Birthday! Christmas! Same weekend!)
Sunday-Saturday: cleaning and packing and moving and cleaning and cleaning and cleaning. And cleaning. And cleaning. Also? Cleaning.

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8 Comments

Filed under kinda heavy shit, life in general, personal shit, skating

8 responses to “I’m not the girl you put your trust in, just someone who looks like me

  1. Definitely a life-changer, but only ’til equilibrium has returned, and you are launched into the world once more like a beautiful firework. (Um… that explodes? That metaphor sucked.) Hang in there, kiddo. I have faith in you.

  2. samatwitch

    Hang in there, Mel. I have faith in you, too. This is just a minor setback on the way to a brilliant future! (You’re spending Christmas cleaning??)

  3. cabri

    So sorry to hear. 😦 On the silver lining side, you’ll have lots of stress to get you all aggressive at the rink. Watch out, here comes Mel!! :O

  4. This, too, shall pass. You and about another few million kids your age find themselves in the same spot. Except some don’t have a home to go back to. So – yay! Breakfast, clean clothes and some annoyances along the way. You’ll get through it all. Promise!!

    • that’s the plan. The annoying thing is that it’s only 20 months since I got out of their place originally, not counting going away to college. But don’t be surprised if your inbox occasionally gets filled with angsty missives of misery as an outlet 😉

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