I was tired at 11. I wanted to go to bed then. It was closer to 11:30 when I finally got there because GoogleDocs was loading slowly and I promised Sass I’d give her access to the bouncer related docs before the night was over. (News: Sass will be my second-in-command type for bouncing, so that if I cannot make a game, she can run things. Yay!)


I was tired. I went to bed. And I lay awake, hour after hour after hour. Around 2 I got up to make a cup of tea, and while I was waiting, wide awake, I decided to spend a few minutes working on the bouncer schedule. I got in the groove and ended up working until 3:30. “Sure now I will sleep like the proverbial and largely mythological baby who somehow doesn’t wake up hungry every 2-4 hours!” I thought to myself. 

No dice. I must have passed out sometime shortly before the sun rose. When my alarm went off, I knew I could get up after 15 minutes of snoozing (I often set my alarm 15 minutes early for this express purpose, hoping it will prevent me oversleeping. So far, that is also dice-free). But then I slept through the 3rd snooze alarm and woke with the fourth. No big deal, right?

I think I am getting progressively less together and with it as I age because I need things to happen at the hour, quarter after, 30 after, or quarter til the hour or I feel weird. I don’t know. So I snoozed for 2 more snoozes. I turned off my alarm. I blinked. It was suddenly 9:30. What? I’m supposed to be walking to my car right at that moment! Okay, this is fixable. Call Katie, tell her you’re running late but should be in by 10:30. Then I blinked. Well, no. I started to blink, but the whole eye opening part didn’t happen for a while. Instead I had a very vivid and disturbing dream with lots of drinking/partying, roller skating, and weird sexual attempted murders were committed by a vampire who was sometimes my brother (mostly when he was trying to stab me with scissors and tricking me into thinking the gun he “didn’t see” me snag wasn’t loaded with blanks. Not when sexual things were happening. Ew.) There was even a season 4 Buffy allusion, which I totally noticed as an allusion IN THE DREAM which was just weird. Oh, and there were lots of REALLY BIG DOGS. I don’t know WHAT my brain was smoking.

Suffice to say, I am not thrilled with this week. I have lots of cleaning to do, I have spaghetti sauce to make so I didn’t waste money on 2 and a half pounds of  ground beef, I have tons of laundry to do, plus I have to make up the hours I missed this morning and the day I missed last week, I have a phone interview Friday (in theory-my TRAK POC hasn’t gotten back to me with the details) when I WILL BE AT WORK and I am committed to a beer tasting in Baltimore on Friday, bout day Saturday, and entertaining my friends with card/board games on Sunday (which is why I have to clean.) WHY DID I LOAD THIS WEEKEND UP WITH EVERYTHING EVER? 

PLUS, the weather keeps being perfect for skating outside and instead of doing that I am AT WORK LATE BECAUSE MY BRAIN IS A JERK. 

I know all the good sleep hygiene tips: go to bed at the same time, stay away from lit screens like monitors and cell phones and tvs and what have you for an hour or so. Get up early no matter how hard it is. Create a bedtime ritual and don’t deviate. It doesn’t seem to be working, though, and my other, non-doctor sanctioned ones (sleeping with an audiobook or beloved movie playing) don’t work either. Two Septembers back, this happened, and the doc gave me the lowest dose imaginable for a sleep aid. It didn’t help me get to sleep in any way, but once I was asleep I stayed that way. Unfortunately, once I woke up, I was all foggy and unsafe to drive and stuff. Even after taking only HALF a pill and taking it at 5 pm with the goal of it being out of my system well before the next morning. So that’s out, too. It just sort of went away on it’s own last time but I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THAT. 


And I forgot my clementine for lunch today, dammit. 



Filed under health, mental health


  1. saalon

    One thing that honestly made a difference for me: Don’t lay in bed not sleeping longer than, say, 20 minutes. (Make it a bit longer if that seems way crazy to you, but don’t go past 30). If you’re in bed for 20 minutes and aren’t sleeping get up and do something then. Whatever crazy insomnia demon is on you, the more you lay in bed not sleeping, the worse it’ll make it. Sure, you might get up after 20 minutes and still not sleep for 2 hours, but it’ll probably have been 4 hours if you burnt the subconscious frustration time laying in bed. Also it sort of trains your body not to sleep when it hits the bed, the laying down and not sleeping thing. More than any other thing, any of the Cognitive Behavioral stuff, the not staying in bed when you aren’t sleeping thing made a huge difference. Even if it doesn’t make you go to sleep, it’s taking control of the problem and doing something else.

    But: ::hugs::

    Most importantly.

    • Really? My doc said that it’s important to stay in bed a couple hours to train your brain that if you’re laying down, you should be trying to sleep/falling asleep. And to not look at the clock, which I don’t, mostly.

      What I do is lie in bed and imagine myself in a gently swinging hammock and just keep thinking “sleep” over and over which works most of the time but is failing me lately.

      • saalon

        That’s interesting, because it’s the exact opposite of what the Cognitive Behavioral course I took said, and it was more responsible than any other single action for taking control of my sleep. The idea being that laying in bed and NOT sleeping is training you that being in bed is NOT for sleep time. Also, whether you like it or not, the longer you go, the more the internal stress builds up on you, making it even harder to sleep.

        Basically, I don’t time it, but as soon as it becomes clear I am not falling asleep, I get up, move to the couch, read and maybe have a glass of wine. And I don’t get back into bed until I feel properly sleepy. I rarely have to do this more than once anymore, and it rarely loses me more than a total hour of sleep.

        Give it a try, seriously. Your problem sounds very, very similar to mine, and it gave me a feeling of control back, which was the biggest thing the insomnia stole from me.

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