Yesterday sucked balls. Today is better, so far.

Fingers are crossed that today remains not awful.

Yesterday was very stressful. It was like I was being tested to see if I could have a heart attack on command. (It turns out that no, I cannot, but I can weep with the bare minimum of sniffling at my desk.) Most of it was little stuff and while I was like AUGH STRESSED (as you might have noticed from the keyboard mashing in yesterday’s post) I was handling it until I was confronted with the mystery of How I Got Unenrolled From Comps and Where the Hell Is My Financial Aid, Dammit. It was all just too much, and I spent a good hour and a half crying while trying to resolve the issue. (Still not resolved, but I’ve done all I can do and am waiting to hear from the Dean.) Also, I had forgotten that working 8 hours a day is TIRING. Add that tiredness to weird sleep issues added to the way my depression flares like chronic hemorrhoids when I get this stressed and I was in really bad shape yesterday. Plus, when I got home I was confronted by GIANT bills, making it even worse. I won’t lie; after everything that had gone on yesterday, I thought about suicide. A lot. It’s like each little stressor or problem does steroids and then shoves me in an open grave and piles on top of me until I feel I can’t ever get out from under them. I’m never going to fix them, so I may as well just let them smother me. I have to keep reminding myself that that won’t fix anything, it just pushes the problems on other people. That this isn’t me talking, that it’s my illness. That I am stronger than my depression. And that I haven’t finished Downton Abbey yet! (This week’s episode of which, BTW, if you are looking to escape to cheer yourself up, is NOT a good choice!) I let the dishes wait another day. I ate dinner in bed while watching Downton Abbey. I played stupid games on Facebook and looked at kitties on the internet and talked to my boyfriend. And I got through it.

This morning I slept in but still managed to get to work early. A new subcommittee staffer brought in doughnuts. Fitzy let me hold him and purred while I did it! (He hates snuggletimes.) Even though it is Wednesday, I got one of the best parking spots in the lot this morning. I was interviewed about my involvement with derby. I start my new job today. I have people who love me and are willing to help me. And I’m going to get a second doughnut and make some hot cocoa and not feel the slightest bit bad about either.

I forgot to share a poem yesterday, as Eric indignantly noted on twitter (in a funny way, not an actually outraged way) so here is this week’s poem:

Full

my heart is a bookcase;
so many of you, volumes
on the shelves.
mostly monagraphs but a few
serials. Slim volumes
for those who were here only briefly
and huge leatherbound books for others.
some have many empty pages, waiting to be
filled
and some appear
full,
but always there is one more page
ready to be written upon
the ink appearing as if by magic, sanded,
faded as though it had been there a
hundred years
though it might disappear
just as easily.
Fill
the pages in my library
with laughter and tears,
with bruises and smiles
and I will endeavor to
fill
your library too, though
with fewer tears and bruises,
hoarding those to myself
because I don’t want you to have to carry them.

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7 Comments

Filed under creativity, heavy shit, mental health, personal shit

7 responses to “Yesterday sucked balls. Today is better, so far.

  1. saalon

    Yay, poem day! I was all ready to step it up to outrage if I had to. Be warned, Mels. Be warned.

    But before I get back to poetry Wednesday: I know I said this twice yesterday, and I’ll say it like, a billion more times, because I like repeating things, because I’m a shallow person with very little to say. Ok, actually, it’s because I don’t want any of that silly second guessing to obstruct.

    If you’re feeling this way – ever, at any time, at any point – and you’re alone and aren’t sure of your ability to talk yourself out of it, you know you can call, right? No, that’s not right. You know you absolutely should call, right? That said, I am so, so proud of you for talking yourself back from the cliff after a terrible day. You’re a tough bitch, even when things are collapsing and it must feel not to be the case.

    On that note:
    “but always there is one more page
    ready to be written upon”

    Indeed.

    • I know I can call you and should call someone, and the last time I needed outside intervention, I absolutely did, and next time I need it, I absolutely will. I have a tendency to need it to be really bad before I reach out, though, because I either want to protect the person or am afraid they will be angry with me.

      tangent: My friend Erica follows every use of the word ‘bitch’ and its various permutations with the parenthetical “(lovely ladies who I adore)”

      • saalon

        Good. Well, except for the being afraid they’ll be angry or wanting to protect them part, which is not good, but which I totally share and can’t get too hypocritical about.

        But, yes, good: You know the rope is there. That’s what matters.

        tangent reaction: Hehehe! Love it.

  2. I wasn’t on Twitter much yesterday – bad cold, got sent home from work to sleep! – so I missed a lot, but I am glad you were able to talk yourself out of the hole. You are a strong young woman with a lot going for you, even if it’s hard to see that sometimes.

    Your poem is fantastic. What beautiful imagery!

  3. This is one of your best poems yet! “My heart is a bookcase.” From that point in, I was totally in love. And Eric is right, Mels. Don’t let your depression win — CALL SOMEONE whenever the word “suicide” even *flits* across your brainscreen. I know whereof I speak on this one, and reaching out for help from the bottom of the Pit is the bravest thing you can do — and we all know what a badass you are — so prove it, bitch! (She said with unconditional love.) Here’s hoping the next few days just get better and better and better…

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