post pre-written Wednesday night
Generally I do not do much in the way of concealing things here; I either talk about stuff or I don’t. But there’s some stuff going on and it is affecting me and I want to talk about it but it requires some tiptoeing around what’s actually happening.
So. Some stuff happened. It stressed me out a lot, and while I put up a good fight against letting it get to me too much while I had my tweeps to distract me, the drive home saw me slipping farther into my mental rabbit hole until I was at the last light before my building, sobbing quietly in the car.
And then things got worse. And then when I calmed down and tried to fix them, they got worse again. Basically, DMing on an entirely different subject with my friend R and IMing with The Boy kept me from totally flipping my shit, but I hate having to lay this stuff on other people (despite the fact that I get mad when I find out people haven’t lain? laid? their shit on me, and the fact that I know they WANT me to lay my shit on them.)
While cleaning I found the list of sliding scale psychs that Jeff, my psychologist from school, gave me when I had to stop seeing him. But based on some of the “it got worse” I am not sure I can even afford that, so that might be out. In some of our sessions we talked about me seeing my PCP and getting some meds that would boost the depression-related efficacy of my cymbalta (which I take for migraine prevention primarily, but since it is an anti-depressant and it does affect my depression levels, it seemed like a decent idea) but I was doing so well for a while I decided I didn’t need it. I don’t know which would be less expensive, especially since I’d have to go to the doc to find out what she’d put me on, and that’s plenty expensive already. I kinda feel like I’m fucked whichever I do, which sucks because I’m fucked if I don’t do either, too.