I don’t really know what to tell you guys. People ask how I am doing and the best I can say is that I am still here. Which is good! I am still here. I have to keep busy when I’m on my own or else I fall into a thinking-about-self-harm-to-get-out-of-my funk, which is no good. Last night I cleaned up a hairball left graciously for me by my kittymonsters and played with the kitties on the balcony (the weather was amazing yesterday, although the decision not to turn the heat back on when I closed the window/sliding glass door proved a bad one when I didn’t want to get out from under the blankets this morning), made a batch of chocolate syrup (it’s thinner than hershey’s, but way tastier. I halved the sugar so it tastes more chocolatey, but it’s still sweet enough to be good!) and I caught up on one of the few TV shows I actually have been trying to keep up with since I got rid of cable/the DVR. (C-I’ll be catching up on your Parenthood posts, now!)…tonight I will be doing laundry and some light picking up and possible catching up on Fringe to distract ye olde seratonin-fucked brain. And then tomorrow. Tomorrow is Derby 101! And an afternoon at the Drafthouse with The Boy and Sherlock Holmes. And probably a nap in between, because 8 am derby is gonna be an adjustment!!
I am doing okay when I am by myself and not dealing with other people in any way/dealing only with people I WANT to deal with, but it’s so easy for me to mentally crash right now when variables I don’t control/which do not specifically wish me happiness enter the field. I spent the drive to work this morning mentally chanting “23 more hours until derby, 23 more hours until derby.” But it’s not healthy to hang everything on this one thing. But I can’t wait until sundown happens late enough that I can skate outside after work so I can either exhaust myself enough to not have the brainpower to think about this stuff or to sweat it out so it’s not bothering me anymore.
The Boy has been very sweet and patient and understanding, which I am grateful for, and so have my friends who read this (I haven’t discussed it outside of that group, so I’m sure others would be if they knew what was up.) Thank you all for hanging in with me when I am whiny and boring.