Make your choice.

At the end of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Buffy asks the potentials to “Make your choice. Are you ready to be strong?” It’s always a moving moment for me; it’s a battle cry I want to rally behind as a woman, as a person. But today I have to say, my answer is “not so much, thanks.”

Yesterday when I saw the dean’s email asking me to call her, I knew what it meant. They don’t contact you unless you failed. But I was hoping it was something else, even though I knew better. When I cried after, I knew I could take the exams again but it didn’t mean anything. I was planning on spending the afternoon cleaning up, but after that I just wanted to stop doing everything. I knew if I would skate, it would help, but I didn’t want anything to help, either. I wanted to curl up in bed or on the couch, stuff my mouth with junk, and not ever move again. But I got up, and I went to Anacostia, and I skated. And all I could think about was what I was doing, and it helped. For a little while I could answer “okay” when I was asked how I was by people who were simply being polite. (Also, I can t-stop with either foot now.) When I left I headed to The Boy’s place to get my keys from him and he gave me lots of long hugs, which I accepted, but didn’t need at the time. I went to Franklins to get a beer with photographer friend J, who regularly offers to buy me a beer on bad days and circumstances kept preventing it. I was feeling okay. I felt like I could handle all this.

This morning, not so much. I’m back to wanting to eat junk and curl up in bed and never move again. I want to lay on the couch and watch tv until my brain stops working. I want to sleep forever. I want to skate and skate and skate until I die. I want to give up, please. Can’t I just give up?

The answer, as always, is no, you can’t.

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8 Comments

Filed under bitching, derby, heavy shit, mental health, MLS, personal shit, skating

8 responses to “Make your choice.

  1. ABSOLUTELY NOT. We badasses, as a rule, never give up. However, we are definitely allowed to have days when we curl up in bed and let ourselves feel sad. This is sanctioned by the Badass Board of Badasses. When you are ready to get out of bed again, though, it’s back to being a badass, okay? ‘Cause THAT’S HOW WE ROLL. xoxo

  2. I know the wanting to give up feeling so well. So well. It’s been living in my heart and my brain for a long time, and I’ve gotten very close in months past to listening to it and giving in. Closer than I’ve really admitted to anyone. Even now, I spend more time wondering if continuing to try is worth it than I do thinking it matters.

    But, like you, I know the answer to the question is, “No, you can’t quit.”

    So we won’t, you and I. We won’t.

    You’re fantastic, and this painful day will not set the tone for the future. I know this. Be as strong as you can, and let your loved ones be strong with you when you can’t.

    Love and support, Mels.

  3. Here’s the thing about ebb and flow. The ebb really sucks. You’re not alone in feeling that, but your inner strength is apparent. The flow will return, but you don’t need it. When your ready, you can paddle the crap out of that ebb.

  4. Mary Kate Hopwood

    Absolutely, I agree with Mere and Eric, no quitting. You’re going to lick this thing. You’re absolutely allowed to have and entitled to a pity party, but when that’s over, back on the horse because YOU CAN DO THIS!!!

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