“And the worm inside of me/Is the oldest wound that I’ve nursed along”

Post title shamelessly stolen from the Devin Townsend/Ocean Machine song “Things Beyond Things.”

So. Yesterday happened.

I very rarely get specific about how I feel when I am depressed. I explained it to The Boy last night, and his initial reaction is the common (and totally sane) one: “that’s a bit much and I think you know it.” Which, in one way, is true. Objectively, I know it. But as The Bloggess points out over and over, depression lies. So while I know that the way I am feeling is wrong and ridiculous and over the top and melodramatic, it’s still the way I feel and the parts of me that are my depression are telling me over and over that the way I feel is the truth. The depression is part of me. So part of me believes the way I am feeling is true. I explained that to him (far less eloquently, but also with fewer words and links!) and he said he wished he could help. (Sidebar. Anya: Everyone’s SO HELPFUL today. I should have slaughtered someone weeks ago!) Everyone wants to help, or at least for me to be quieter about it. I posted a very defeated status over on facebook. All of the responses were well meaning; very few helped. So I wrote the story yesterday as a response and explanation.

To be clear, I appreciate all the people who want to help, and that they want to help! Without the help and support of friends and family, I’d have never made it to 31 years of age. But the depression isn’t just a liar. It likes to twist truths. It’s like wearing sunglasses inside an art museum. You can see all the beautiful things, but the colors are muted. You aren’t seeing it as it really is, but through a filter. And you can’t just take off the sunglasses, even though you want to. So even well meaning comments can be taken negatively and make things worse. When I’m like this, I have to keep reminding myself that they didn’t mean it that way, even as part of myself is whispering “you know they meant it that way, and furthermore, they’re right.”

When The Boy told me he wanted to help, I said I knew, but all I can do is wait it out and hope it passes quickly. In response, he said “but don’t drag yourself down while you wait.” Which is definitely a part of the depression trap. So I’m working on it. Thank you all for being there, and patient.

Last night after work I stopped by the pavilion to see what the girls who went to the derby con in RI had learned. I did some of my PT exercises while they skated, and just being there definitely helped raise my spirits a bit. I wanted to skate so badly though! This morning I had a PT session. It was more of the same with the BAPs board and resistance exercises, and some other stuff too, like hip lifts and leg lifts and stretching. My trainer gave me a sheet with exercises to do on my own (which I brilliantly forgot to take with me, so I am going to call them up and see what I can do about that!) and I asked them about doing squats on the ankle. I got the okay, and they also helped me a bit with my stance, so I will be a better skater once I’m back on skates again (more balanced!!). I think one of the contributing factors to this bout of depression is the reduction of exercising since I injured myself. I wasn’t sure what I could do and what I couldn’t-I didn’t want to make things worse! But now that I know what I am allowed to do, I’ll be able to exercise a bit more, even if I’m not full-on training. I felt a lot better after PT this morning, just in general. (My ankle is a touch sore, but good sore.)

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2 Comments

Filed under AUGH INJURIES, exercise, mental health, personal shit, physical therapy

2 responses to ““And the worm inside of me/Is the oldest wound that I’ve nursed along”

  1. It was awesome seeing you out at the skating pavilion yesterday, Mel. ❤

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