Two days ago, a couple hours after updating the blog, I freaked the fuck out. A good friend of mine with more experience in the arena than I have is pretty sure I had a panic attack. I was suddenly convinced I was a) useless and incapable of anything except being a disappointment and b) letting everyone in my life down. I would never pass comps, and even if I did, I would never get a job. I should have my adulthood taken from me so someone who can use it properly can have it. I managed to keep myself from a) hurting myself and b) making a spectacle and getting fired, and got home and wallowed in the giant hole my brain had dug.
Yesterday I was fine. Not great, but I woke up formulating plans for job acquisition and mentally composing cover letters. Work went fine, if frustratingly. (Damaged drive means damaged files, and figuring out which ones are damaged is a time consuming and tedious process.) After work I spent a little time hanging out with The Boy, and it was nice.
This morning I struggled to get out of bed, but once my day started, I was doing well. Worked out a plan with my boss (who is awesome, be-tee-dubs) on how to approach the damaged records without spending too much time and sanity on it. Had some delicious decaf coffee and hot chocolate mixed together for deliciousness. By the time day-off-haver, The Boy, came onto g-chat, I was practically hyper.
All of this is to say, I am wondering if I might be bipolar, in addition to depressed and anxious. YAY BRAIN CHEMISTRY, YOU ASSHOLE.
State of the Leg:
I’ve been walking with one crutch still, and reducing my Frankensteinian limp somewhat. Walking without assistance for short distances, still. Planning to start weight-bearing exercises next week, if all continues as it has been.
State of the education:
this weekend I am practicing comps. Starting tomorrow afternoon (since Monday is a holiday) I will begin my 48 hours of practice essaying. 2 days. 2500 words. And then I will send it to my advisor to get it critiqued. Next weekend is derby, and then the weekend after that I will be doing it again, except with a big gap in the middle when I go to a halloween/birthday party for a friend, because It Is IMPORTANT. I promise not to think about my essay at all during the party. And it’ll be done by Sunday night, instead of Monday afternoon. (The real exam will be from Friday at 9am to Sunday at 9am.)