And I come back for more, ’cause I’m a labrador

Song quoted in entry title by Aimee Mann.

On Friday I realized why it didn’t make sense to make my most recent mental health post when I did. I was medicated.

See, a few weeks back, my request to my insurance company to refill my Cymbalta got lost in the series of tubes (or a cat ate it). So when I logged in to the insurance company website to get a list of my prescriptions when I called up to talk to the advising nurse last week, instead of a note saying “being filled” I saw “eligible for refill” and I had to re-refill them. Which meant that Instead of having my meds delivered, say, Wednesday, when I would be starting a new bottle, I am still waiting for them. On Friday, the withdrawal symptoms reached peak madness levels.

I spent about 2 hours sobbing hysterically Friday night, sending maudlin texts and IMs that were less elegant versions of another Aimee Mann lyric, “This big ball of sad isn’t worth even filling with air” to the Boy and my superhero smartypants BFF, apologizing for being broken. And then, suddenly as it started, I was feeling better, made dinner (at like 11 pm) and played video games until like 4 am.

I wasn’t regularly medicated for anything until I was 19 and a migraine put me in the ER when I was away at school. When I went on Cymbalta, it was for migraines, not mental health reasons, but when I went through withdrawal if I forgot to take ’em, I quickly noted the difference between me on medication and me off medication. I feel everything an irrationally out of proportion amount without my meds. With them, I still feel everything, but I feel it in a more “normal” way. I suspect I have some sort of undiagnosed bipolar type issue, as well, considering that the past week has been very much swinging between euphoria and misery (though mostly the former, luckily for me). I’m hoping I get my meds back before the week is out. It’s too hard to exist like this.

In other news, I am having less and less faith in my ortho, since I can’t do a LOT of the cross training stuff I need to be able to do for derby. To pass the WFTDAs, I will have to do a lateral hop without breaking my leg. I cannot, at this time, even do hopscotch for 2 squares. Landing on the injured leg hurts, and I literally can’t launch off with it at all. I can jump up and down using both legs, but not just the injured one. The first doc said I’d NEED the tibia plate out after around a year due to irritation (which I am experiencing). This one is interested in doing as little as possible, says I will have more trouble if we take it out.

Unemployment in T-7 Business Days.


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Filed under health, kinda heavy shit, life in general, mental health, personal shit

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