Today just never got started for me. I slept until around 7:30 this morning, and then it was like my brain was ready to go but my body wasn’t, so I stayed in bed a bit hoping to sleep until my alarm went off at 8 but instead I just kept checking the clock. I got up and took care of Fright’s cats, but when I got home I was still tired and I ended up napping for a few hours.
I want this to just have been an off day, but I worry it is the start of a depressive episode.
I rarely start out sad. Just tired and unconvinced of the worth of getting up. Negative feelings don’t happen until much later. Generally after I’ve built up a lot of days of not doing anything so I can source my self-loathing. Because really, I rather like me. I’m nice and funny and a good friend. And I like my life, minus the unemployment. I’d even like the unemployment if it wasn’t a money issue. Although I think I’d do more if I didn’t have to be looking for work. Like volunteer at the library. But when I’m depressed it’s like my brain needs to make me give it a reason to be depressed. So I stop wanting to get out of bed, or off the couch. For weeks at a time. And then I can hate myself for not doing anything.
Hopefully this was just an off day, though.