I feel like an alarming percentage of my posts lately are titled “I’m still alive”

or variations thereof. But I am! Still alive, I mean. I intended to start back posting yesterday, but I had a case of post-vacation-I-have-no-money-and-no-one-is-hiring-me blues that required I sob on the couch and also apply to more jobs after arguing with someone on reddit. (Normally, this is where I’d bitch about someone responding argumentatively to a post in a subreddit about depression, but really, it helped me stop crying and hating myself and thinking about how if I could just get a job everything would be perfect but since I can’t, everything is getting ruined, and I started back at the job application process, so…thanks for pissing me off, internet stranger.) And that I eat shit. Because in the past few years I’ve really started eating my feelings instead of writing them.

So. Updates. I has them! Here we go!

Beach week: Was great. My family does it every year (and lucky for me, my mom and dad pay for me and, should I invite one, my guest) and it is usually a combination of awesome and terrible (because, like I said, I do this with my family!) Some family members who normally never miss this vacation did, because they are having a baby!!!! YAY! (If any browser did blink tags anymore, I would totally blink-tag that. Because NEW BABY TO EAT ADORE!) The Boy came with me, and though he had met most of that side of my family before (this isn’t just immediate family for me, it’s aunts and uncles and cousins as well) he hadn’t spent an entire week crammed in a house with them. Since he has some social anxiety and we’re both introverted enough to need some time with NOT OTHER PEOPLE, this was a potentially huge step. Wednesday night I had a small slip back to being 15 when dealing with my dad, and Friday I had a mostly-not-my-fault disagreement with my mom (she has a tendency to behave like a toddler–you do what she wants, yay, you refuse her the tiniest thing, she throws a tantrum, and I refused to do a thing! *gasp* So it could technically be considered my fault because, hey, I know she’s mentally 2 years old, but hey, it’s her choice to be mentally 2 years old and not behave like a fucking adult.) Other than that, it was the most comfortable I felt being with approximately 20-25 people for a week in EVER. I suspect this is because The Boy’s anxiety/anti-social tendencies allowed me the excuse to hide a bit that “I don’t WANT TO BE AROUND YOU ALL THE FUCKING TIME” doesn’t….
We had a bit of a fight, though, The Boy and I, because of our anti-social tendencies. While being alone with him seemed, for me, as good as being actually alone for a bit, I got a bit snappy (I have a tendency to sound snappy when I am not trying to sound snappy, or feeling snappy, and often I notice and apologize, but this time I didn’t) and that was a little scary, because we stopped communicating and that’s never good. But then we talked about it (far longer after the incident I would have preferred, but better than never) and now we are equipped to handle this next time.

The ocean tried to eat my phone. Somehow, it still works though (yay me, turning it off immediately. Boo me, for not getting any rice/dessicant. Yay it, for working anyway after remaining powered down for like 4 days.)

Derby: I can’t boot camp 😦 I forgot that I need primary insurance (there’s WFTDA insurance, but it only covers practices/scrimmages/bouts, and the league has a policy that requires primary AND WFTDA insurance for skaters in the league, and primary for potential freshies) I’ll be with the league in the 4th of July Parade in DC (you might be able to see me on tv!) but not skating because, again, no insurance.

Other: I’m trying to decide what stuff I own is stuff I can sell (both that it is in condition to bring in money and that I can part with it) because I want to a) be able to move to a smaller space, ie a room in someone’s house and b) stave off having to move if at all possible. If I have to move home, which is the ultimate in things I wish to stave off (see above re: toddler-mom, and that isn’t even the half of it), I’ll have to get rid of most of my stuff anyway…and if I were to get a job that allowed me to live with The Boy, which we have been talking about (but I *HAVE* to have a job, and one that pays enough that I can pay my portion of everything, to avoid potentially losing him his security clearance) I would have to get rid of some stuff. I’d sell the TV in a heartbeat if my laptop played BDs…gonna have to see if I can hook up the BD player to my laptop since lappy laptop top has an HDMI port…the tv won’t fetch much though, because it’s not flat-panel (it is flat screen and digital, but not HD, not flat panel).

Gained a couple pounds back over vacation (like almost exactly 2) but I’m working on ditching them and some of their friends (or at least exchanging them for more ones made of muscle and not fat)…tracking calories definitely helps when one is in the land of ALL THE DESSERTS AND ALCOHOL EVER! But I occasionally was like “fuck it, I want to eat/drink this.”

So! Things kinda suck, but I’m not letting them totally bog me down, and hey, the cats and I don’t yet live in my car! I’m going skating tomorrow with ZipBlok! And my cats love me! and my fridge is full of healthy food, some of which I didn’t even have to pay for! so there’s that stuff. And I’m gonna be in a parade, and the ladies of DCRG are gonna be carhops at DC’s first drive-in! ❤

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2 Comments

Filed under bitching, derby, food, kinda heavy shit, life in general, mental health, personal shit, unemployment

2 responses to “I feel like an alarming percentage of my posts lately are titled “I’m still alive”

  1. That sounds like a lot of positives there, Mel. Keep it up.

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