Most everything is frustrating today

except my haircut and my cats. and really, that second one is going to change, because they’re REALLY GOOD at bugging me. “Oh, you’re walking to anywhere else in the apartment? let shoulder check your shin at the location of your titanium plates!”

I feel shitty because I keep not doing stuff I want to do, but I’m in a just-keep-swimming place where as long as I do anything other than nothing, I’m doing well, from the perspectives of “I didn’t just eat all my meds and chase it down with all my booze, go me!” and “I didn’t break any laws in reaction to people being stupid, yay me!” and because soon this’ll be but an unhappy memory

I ate mcdonalds today, because it was easier than shredding my pork chops and waiting for the microwave.

I’m gonna do better tomorrow.

Last night I was getting ready to go to bed at a reasonable hour and then, on the other side of one the walls in my apartment, someone knocked, deliberately and methodically, three times. I have never felt anything less than safe here in my apartment until that happened. I had to call the cops once but it wasn’t because I felt unsafe personally, it was because two dudes were having a loud, drunken, pathetic fist fight in the hall in front of my door (which opens onto the elevator lobby) at 3 am. But those three knocks turned my lizard brain on and I was certain there were monsters (not like, horror movie monsters, just Bad People Or Maybe Ghosts Shut Up I Know) and I was gonna get murdered and I know it seems silly for someone who has suicidal tendencies to be afraid of being killed but the who reason I haven’t acted on those tendencies is because most of the time I don’t want to and I know that. so I ended up staying up until 2 reading a discworld novel so I wouldn’t have nightmares about being murdered (note: when I first got into bed with the book, something in my bedroom moved. I don’t know what it was, but I heard it, and I got up to try and find what it was and couldn’t and it DID NOT HELP) and so my plan to get up at 9 and do things before getting my hair cut were in need of adjustment and then I got internet-vampired and suddenly it was late and I had to go.

Fitzy is making annoyed noises, which normally means he is hungry or feeling neglected, but he already had dinner and legit straight up walked away so I cannot fix this.

here’s my haircut. and Fitz.


Filed under cats, freaking out, I'm a nutter, life in general, mental health, personal shit

2 responses to “Most everything is frustrating today

  1. I can’t really see that picture but I saw it on FB and it was cute – you, the haircut and Fitzy! I’m glad you survived the night.

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