Oh man, she’s talking about depression AGAIN

Hey guys. This weekend is D1 playoffs in Asheville, NC, the 3rd and penultimate division playoffs for this derby season. One more divisional playoff, then CHAMPS. Naturally, I have the audio stream playing as I type.

Buzzfeed made a list of comics that capture depression. I am in 19 and 20 in a BIG way, but 3, 6, 14, and 16 also describe my experiences in general with depression very well.

Some days it’s really hard to get out of bed, and even when I do, I go straight to the couch so it’s not exactly a change. Other days I’m ready to do shit! Or I know I need to do it to get the very simple wants I have (like the other day, when I was out of milk but all I wanted was chocolate milk, so I showered and went to the grocery store). Some days I spend almost entirely on the couch, others I get a small amount of things done and then feel very satisfied with myself. I both need someone to say “hey, that’s not enough, please do more” and dread it (because it will make me feel shitty to hear it)

My last boyfriend, the guy before the boy, left because of my depression. When we were getting to know one another, he said he had had depression too, and understood, but he didn’t. He thought depression meant sadness and not an inability to do things or feel things or that you couldn’t be happy for even a second during depression. He told me that the results of my depression were disgusting. They certainly can be; he wasn’t incorrect, though he was wrong to say that, and many other things. Every once in a while I can channel that disgust into motivation, but it’s often easily appeased and I don’t have to do much before I sink back down on the couch. (Guess where I am now! DING DING DING)

That roller coaster comic? Take the valley and peak and just repeat them over and over. When I do anything more than “get out of bed, maybe shower, watch tv and use the computer” I peak, and it’s kind of ridiculous how proud I am to do anything. “I washed the dishes! I cooked real food! go me!” Seriously, the other day, I was so proud/wiped out by stir frying some veggies and chicken that when I realized I forgot to make rice, I shrugged and put the stir fry away and decided I wasn’t hungry anyway, the important thing was that I did something.

I tried to talk to the people in the depression subreddit but they misunderstood, were basically were like “well stop being lazy and get a job! Any job!” like a) that is so easy and b) that will fix everything (it won’t, I know, though it does seem like it would)

okay so I basically just ran entirely out of steam and I want to take a shower (score) so I’m just gonna stop here. thanks for reading, and if you got through the whole thing, reward yourself richly!

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2 Comments

Filed under bitching, I'm a nutter, mental health, personal shit

2 responses to “Oh man, she’s talking about depression AGAIN

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