Day One.

Okay. It took a little while because wordpress wouldn’t cooperate. But here I am, updating.

Promises: This is not a fandom blog. (Though this is a fandom blog ENTRY.) I won’t suddenly start babbling about pop culture all the time (that’s what I have a tumblr for, anyway.)

Hi! How are you? How was your day? I’m glad it was nice/I’m sorry it sucked. I wish it could be better./! For all of us.

I’ve spent the day not doing much at all. Crockpotted some chicken and watched television and cleaned cat puke stains from the carpet (oh good news everyone, when I bought tons of carpet cleaner to get rid of the fruit punch stains it did not get rid of the fruit punch stains, but!!! it gets rid of puke stains beautifully, so not only was that carpet cleaner stuff not a waste of money but now there are far fewer blotches of yucky brownness on my carpet and I don’t have to go buy extra pet stain remover because I can use this stuff!) About halfway through the day I decided I was going to buy myself some crayons. Yes, they’re an unnecessary expense from the standpoint of they are not required by my body for continued life. But from the standpoint of sometimes you JUST HAVE TO FUCKING COLOR WITH WILD ABANDON, they are totally needed and it’s not like they’re 50 bucks for a box. Then I continued with my day of not doing much of anything, certainly nothing important. I didn’t want to watch what I had been watching so I switched to revisiting Doctor Who episodes I haven’t seen in a while and enjoy very much. (They Boy and I are at A Good Man Goes To War, which I am very excited to watch with him, but that means I have been away from Nine and Rose for AGES.) I watched The Doctor Dances and made Fitzy dance with me while I shouted about every one living just this once, and then I decided to watch A Parting of Ways, because I don’t remember the particulars of Nine’s regeneration into Ten like I do Ten’s into Eleven. And while I was watching, but after I had titled this post, this conversation happened:

Rose: But what do I do every day, Mum? Get up. Go to work. Catch the bus, eat chips, and go to bed.
Mickey: It’s what the rest of us do.
Rose: But I can’t.
Mickey: Because you’re better than us?
Rose: No, I didn’t mean that. But it was, it was a better life. I don’t mean all the travelling and seeing aliens and spaceships and things. That don’t matter. The Doctor showed me a better way of living your life. [To Mickey] You know, he showed you too. [continues] You don’t just give up. You don’t just let things happen. You make a stand. You say “no.” You have the guts to do what’s right when everyone else just runs away! and I just can’t…!

and I had been thinking about Nine. Everyone remembers Nine as angry, raw, fresh from the time war and wounded. Ten and Eleven are silly so much more but they have moments of profound sadness that everyone remembers. People don’t seem to remember Nine’s joyous moments. It’s a great disservice to Eccleston, because my god, half paying attention to forty two minutes made me feel happier, more optimistic than I have in weeks. And when I got to that bit quoted above, I identified with Rose. The way I’ve been feeling, for not much of any real reason except fucked up brain chemistry, is encapsulated in her first, angry, miserable line (really, if you haven’t seen it, you should at least see the scene to get the idea of the emotion in it, it reads so much flatter) and I want to make a stand and say “no” and have the guts to do what’s right when everyone else runs away and more importantly, today I feel like I can do that.

So today I am starting again. I’ll have the same face as yesterday but I am regenerating. Tomorrow I’m getting up and having breakfast and working out and taking a shower and cleaning the place up and ignoring my computer until I get the non-job-search things I need to do done! Then I’ll job search before allowing myself to waste time facebooking and tumblring while I play some tv show in the background. And I’m getting some crayons and coloring the fuck out of something.

I have The Boy and Puppy and my league at my side, at my back, and I can o this.



Filed under Doctor Who, life in general, mental health, personal shit, unemployment

2 responses to “Day One.

  1. You have a lot of us at your side – or your back, wherever you want us – and you can totally do this! I want to see what colours you get. *hugs*

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