Bangs and Whimpers

That was not quite the spectacular new beginning I was hoping for. Stuff like last night is why I suspect I may have an undiagnosed bipolar disorder as well as depression and some social anxiety. I was temporarily euphoric, filled with energy and ready to take on the world. Despite not being tired, I went to bed around 1:30 or 2. When I woke up at 7, I was still feeling very tired, and I went back to sleep, hoping to grab an hour or two. I got up shortly before 1 instead. “Well, okay, not quite the plan but still….” and I got up and did some of the stuff I wanted to get done today and sat down briefly, planning my next steps.

a great languor came over me; I felt exhausted, and wanted nothing more than to crawl back in bed. Last night, even as I wrote the entry, I worried that this would happen, but hoped it wouldn’t. I fought it, but I knew it was a losing battle. I remembered that a show I enjoy premiered for the season last night and would be online. I lay down on the couch and watched it on my laptop, and when it was over, I still didn’t want to do anything. (The episode was very good, though!)

But I got up and did some more stuff that needed to be done.

It may have been less a big bang and more a sad whimper, but the fresh start happened, and that’s the important part. There’s a motivational thing I’ve seen shared by skaters and runners I know that says “it doesn’t matter how slow you go as long as you don’t stop” or something like that. I may not have exploded out of the gate, but I didn’t stop, and that’s something.

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6 Comments

Filed under life in general, mental health, personal shit, unemployment

6 responses to “Bangs and Whimpers

  1. That’s a good start. *hugs*

  2. I agree with those runners and skaters. Sometimes when I’m in a very down place, one of the things I do is make lists of things to do when I wake up.

    – Get out of bed
    – Brush teeth
    – Shower
    – Pick outfit
    – Get dressed
    – Have coffee
    – Write XXXX
    – Grocery shop

    and so on.

    Getting the small things out of the way to start the day helps me feel like I’ve gotten some kind of momentum running. And any kind of momentum is a good thing.

    *hugs* Love you.

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