With and Without

My feelings about and reactions to life when I am in a depression than when I am in a good patch.

Without Depression With Depression
Waking Up: Ugh, my alarm went off. Oh well. Time to shower. Ugh, another day? I can NOT face this. *turns off the alarm, sleeps several hours more*
Minor Mistakes: Aw, crap. *fixes it/cleans up* FUCK! What the hell is wrong with me? Why am I such a fuck up? I can’t even do basic shit, how can I possibly even deserve to live.
Eating: Hmm, I’m hungry. Let’s make a snack. I could make something, but then I’d have to clean it up, plus it’s work to just make it. It’s easier to just eat plain bread/yogurt/something that does not require effort.
Basic chores and/or basic hygiene: Whelp, time to do the dishes/laundry/shower/get dressed. *does it* Why bother anyway? It’s/I’m just gonna get dirty again. I could spend that time doing something else. There’s no point to it anyway.

The most frustrating part of this is that I know that my reactions/feelings are over the top/inappropriate/not helpful, but it doesn’t stop me feeling that way and I can’t help but be overwhelmed by them. There are times during bad patches where some of these are not the case but often the “minor mistakes” bit happens anyway (though sometimes it takes more than a few) and will kick off a bad patch even if I’m not in one already.

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Filed under heavy shit, I'm a nutter, mental health, personal shit

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