this blog should be called the “state of the me address”

because whenever I can’t think of a title for a post, that’s where my brain goes….

I made an exercise schedule for the next two months using the roller derby workout, the punkrope workout (though knowing, as I do,  that I can’t do even a third of the full workout, I am gonna do these for particular time periods, starting at 15 minutes and growing to 20, 25,  30, then 40, 50, then the full workout. with the option to do the full workout sooner if I feel like I can.) the use of steady state workouts from Pump Up Your Jam, and the 30 day fitness challenge (planks then triceps, for these two months.) I’m also including a workout derbytastic shared on tumblr for feet which has some interesting variations on my ankle PT exercises, to strengthen my feet/ankles. In mid-June, I’ll make a schedule for the rest of the summer.

Part of the reason I did this is because I’ve been feeling complacent-now that I’m past the first blush of not feeling depressed I’m sort of settling back into the pattern I was in, where I’m not doing much (although I’m doing more than I was, there’s still an element of sloth to my days. It’s like my body’s used to being depressed so it is continuing that pattern even though my brain isn’t interested in my death anymore. I need to break out of the pattern.  The easiest way to stop myself from working out is to not have a plan of what I’m gonna do, so hopefully this will help. Right now the plan is to workout after therapy when I have therapy appointments, but hopefully after a week or two, I’ll be regularly getting up in time to do it before therapy. (In addition to getting a headache every time I exercise in a non-roller-skating way past 2 or 3 pm, I hate showering twice in one day, it seems wasteful. I have a weirdly intense distaste for it; just the idea has kept me from working out the past couple days when I had a vague idea of “let’s work out” which became “oh I forgot and showered so I could do other stuff, oh well,I’ll just have to shower again” which became “meh, I’d have to shower again, oops, netflix is on, time for House.”)

I think the complacence is at least partially due to the fact that I’ve never been actively depressed for so long. I always have depression, but I am not always depressed. I was depressed for so long that it became my life. The depression is in remission, as it were, but I don’t have a job, so I don’t have a place I have to be most of the time, so I don’t have an external reason to get up, shower, etc. I usually DO get up, and often shower (not every day, because like I said, I’m in a pattern, and part of that pattern was to hang out in my PJs unwashed and do very little), but I don’t always. I want to get to a place where I do it unless I have a real reason not to (like a migraine, or the flu). The other contributing factor, I think, is actual laziness. It’s common to confuse depression for laziness, because there doesn’t seem to be much point to doing anything, but I can be pretty lazy, even knowing that I feel better about myself and physically (usually) when I am active and get things done. So, lazy + depression inertia = pattern. Hopefully plans + follow-through will = new, healthier pattern.

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Filed under I'm a nutter, kinda heavy shit, life in general, mental health, personal shit

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