I wrote up this long emotional post and wanted to post it. First wordpress wouldn’t let me add the category I wanted to tag it with (because I wasn’t authorized to do so, which, BULLSHIT IT’S MY FUCKING BLOG). Then when I clicked save draft it asked me if I was SURE I wanted to do that. I was. It decided I wanted to have no record of said draft, and apparently it didn’t autosave once over the past 30 minutes that I spent typing, because the post is nowhere to be found. Awesome. SO! Here’s attempt 2 (which I already checked to make sure WP has in drafts. It does.)
Over the weekend, the DC Rollergirls went to playoffs and were awesome but started as the 1st seed and finished in 6th place which, while not at all shabby, is not what we were expecting/hoping for. Also over the weekend, Henry Rollins posted an apology on his website and on Monday he posted another more in depth one at LA Weekly. I meant to share this on Monday (the update page has been open but untouched since then, which I suppose is why WP decided to murder the post I did eventually write in it) but I was dealing with some stuff. Lots of stuff. Cleaning stuff.
You may remember the end-of-beach-week-fight with my mom, as detailed (vaguely) here. She continues to not talk to me. She and my dad host an annual picnic for his coworkers/bosses/etc at the shore which was this past Saturday. They supply the plates, plasticware, etc, tables and chairs, crabs, and shrimp, and the guests bring their families, beverages, sides, and desserts. I was headed to The Boy’s on Saturday morning anyway (we spent Friday here, celebrating a friend who left Saturday morning for the west coast) so I swung by to see if the event would still be happening despite the rainy weather. Mom did say hi to me unprompted and let my kiss her cheek goodbye when I left. I suspect, however, this was due to the fact that there were people around and she didn’t want to cause a scene, rather than from any desire to reconcile. Here’s the conversation I had with dad when I arrived to back me up:
Dad: Hi Mel! *hug*
Dad: (referring to our semi-recent phone conversation where I asked if mom would ever speak to me again) I recommend crawling on your hands and knees.
Me: For what?
Dad (motions me away from people): For your mom.
Me: No, I know, but for what?
Dad: Calling her a horrible mother. And apologize for yelling at her.
Me: I didn’t call her a horrible mother! And I already apologized for yelling.
Dad: Well that’s what she heard, and you asked what you could do. That’s what she wants.
So I had a pretty negative reaction to that, and stewed for a few days. I talked to my therapist about it on Tuesday and she backs my decision regarding this whole thing, which helps. I’m not going to apologize for something I didn’t do, or apologize again for something I already apologized for. It just rewards this sort of behavior and encourages her to pull this shit over and over. If that means she never speaks to me, that sucks but that’s her choice. I will grieve and move on with my life as though she has died until such a time comes that she wishes to re-establish a relationship, if it ever does. This will be tricky because I’m still on good terms with my dad and the rest of my family, but I’ll have to figure it out. I think when I am around her and others, I will not act like she’s not there or anything, and I’ll be polite, but I won’t treat her like she’s my mom so much as an acquaintance. I will be civil, and I won’t pick fights, but I also will not pretend there is a relationship there. My mom is dead and my dad married a stranger who is remarkably identical and to whom I owe civility but nothing more. Although I do plan on sending her a birthday present (The Noonday Atlas) in an attempt to encourage her to understand my illness, which I suspect she suffers from also, in the hopes that she gets her own help. If she chooses to re-establish a relationship, I will welcome her, but will not hesitate to end it if it shows signs of becoming as unhealthy as it was.
On Monday I started what I now recognize as part of the grieving process, which was an extreme cleaning spree. I bought a coffee table a couple weekends back to replace the one Fitzy peed on, and I had to do some cleaning in order to put the end table I had been subbing in for a coffee table in it’s place (where the cat tree was hanging out, which I moved to the bedroom.) I spent all day going through the boxes that were where the cat tree is now. Those boxes had been there since I moved in 3 years ago. Really. I just didn’t know what to do with them/what was in them. I finally took care of them! I moved the cat tree and the end table Monday night. I also cleaned the living/dining room up all over. After therapy on Tuesday, I cleaned out my bedroom closet and my coat closet in the hall. The hall closet had a plastic bin full of more “I dunno what to do with this” stuff (mostly memorabilia from high school and college) and in order to deal with it I basically trashed the living/dining room again, lol, though dealing with the contents of the bin resulted in a much tidier space. There’s still a little to clean up in the living room, and the bathroom sink and tub need to be cleaned and the kitchen counter wiped, but basically the entire apartment is cleaner than it’s been in years. I have a much smaller collection of memorabilia I’m keeping, although I don’t know where I’m putting it yet; a bunch of the theater stuff is getting donated to my high school drama department; the rest will go to a junk shop/goodwill type store along with the clothes I have been meaning to donate but kept not donating because no one seems to want them when I try to donate to organizations I actually want to help* so lets see if we can get a few bucks out of this crap. I also have some old film photography stuff I want to get appraised and sell, since none of my photography nerd friends want it. (if you are a photography nerd and want to know more about what I got, lemme know!!)
Today I’m feeling like some…not wallowing, exactly, but laying around and not doing anything much and just relaxing is in order. I am driving down to VA tomorrow to drop some stuff off with my old drama teacher and at home (mom and dad are at the shore again this weekend, as of yesterday, so no worries about confrontations or being dodged by mom when I go there) and I’ll probably grab a few things while there, too, because there’s stuff there that’s mine. I kinda feel like I need to build up my strength for the trip even though no one will be home.
*I don’t want to give to Salvation Army or Goodwill, it’s not professional enough clothing for most charities (it’s mostly pajamas, sweaters, and a couple dresses, at least one of which is straight up evening-wear). Still have to talk to BftC about them though, because I think their clothes closet includes stuff for kids/teens as well as adults, not just those looking for appropriate interview-wear, but if they don’t want it, then cash please!