I own every bell that tolls me

I remember when I was 5 or 6, and my mom had just refused me something, or yelled at me, or something. I have no idea what she did, but I was so mad at her and the unfairness of the situation. I flopped down on the red couch and put my cheek against the part of the arm where the fabric was worn to softness from our dog Snooky’s sneak naps on the couch when we weren’t home and I thought about how unfair everything is, and then wondered at the idea that there are people who, when faced with unfairness, or hardship, have the desire to die. I didn’t understand it, because I was so upset, but I didn’t want to die. I wanted everyone else to die, so I could play with their toys and eat whatever I wanted (or whatever it was that Il was oh so upset about). After puberty, I had a greater understanding of death as an escape.

Seventeen years ago, a friend of mine, faced with intense emotional pain, took his own life. It was traumatic and terrible and made me swear to myself that I would never do that to myself, my friends, my family. Fifteen years ago, I tried anyway, because I was afraid. And I’ve felt far worse pain and despair since, but I haven’t tried again, both because of my visceral reaction to my body’s response to being poisoned, and because I’ve survived so far, and because I’ve had anchors. I wish Trevor had known how many people cared, and how much we cared. They say damaged people are dangerous because we know we can survive, but not knowing it is far more dangerous, in my book.

I hit my head pretty hard skating at Anacostia today. And then, because after I got up, a little girl arrived thrilled to tell me she knew how to skate too, I stuck around for 15 minutes to skate with her. She was so excited! Her dad and sister let her skate hand in hand with me for a bit. She was just learning, so I went slow, and kept her from falling down. She was good at catching her own balance though. When she and her family left, I geared down and headed home. The Boy asked me to please go to the urgent care, and so I did. My head is basically fine, I might have a week or so of mild headaches and possibly nausea but the doctor didn’t think it’d be any worse than that. When I hit my head, my glasses jumped and smacked into the bridge of my nose, which actually hurts more than the back of my head generally. I’m playing it safe, not being too active for the week, and if any other symptoms pop up (except forgetfulness, which I already have as a side effect of my paxil, so I couldn’t say if it was due to this or not) I will schedule an appointment or head to urgent care. But I think everything is fine. Though I dunno if I should replace my helmet or not. (I need to replace my pads because they’re all getting old/less protective and/or too small.) I have a lovely bit of bruising and rink rash on my left hip from skating earlier this week, too, so I’m all sorts of banged up. But nothing major.



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Filed under AUGH INJURIES, bend your knees, depression, derby, health, I'm a nutter, kinda heavy shit, mental health, personal shit, road rash, skating, suicide

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