Talkin’ ’bout my bike seat (bike seat bike seat!)

yes you ARE supposed to sing the entry title. DO IT. DO IT NOW.

I’m a little punchy from the sheer pleasure of not sitting on my bike right now. Seriously. I didn’t blog about this yesterday because I didn’t blog yesterday because I had too much to do after work. but today I am saying screw it, there’s only 4 things in the sink, I have time to blog. About my bike seat. Things get saucy under the cut, and by saucy I mean there is language. Anatomical slang (and non-slang) language. Words that my mother would be appalled to hear me say or even to learn I knew. Some which she maybe doesn’t know. 

Okay so as I mentioned, I bought a bike off Craigslist last week to replace the stolen one. (Did I actually mention that, or just that I was thinking about it? Regardless, it happened.) It’s a decent bike, with a few quirks.

In order of least terrible to worstestestestest:

  • The kick stand does not allow my bike to stand. If you extend it fully, it ends up too close to the bike. I have to turn the front wheel almost 90 degrees to get the kick stand to stay not entirely extended in order to use it. And it’s very easily tipped. (Fortunately, I have plenty of places to lean the bike, and when it’s not at home or in use it’s generally leaning against a bike rack, chained. So no big.
  • The handlebars are tightened at a weird angle, so when I am going straight it looks like I’m listing to port. (that’s leaning left, for anyone who has very little knowledge of boating. Although it’s not so much leaning as veering. But ‘listing’ sounds cooler.) super easy fix as soon as I figure out if I own a wrench big enough to adjust it. until then, I extend my right arm a bit farther when I ride.
  • OH MY GOD THE SEAT IS THE WORST THING IN THE HISTORY OF THINGS. Yesterday was my maiden voyage on the bike. The seat is tiny and hard and made of steel and vinyl and SATAN. I learned quickly that every time I hit a bump the seat would tilt back. like 45 degrees. I basically dryhumped the the damn thing for a mile. My sit-bones (as they are referred to in all the bike seat reviews and buying guides)  were straddling the skinny bit of the saddle, and the angle meant that the front was basically jammed into my labia. It was so much worse on the way home because I learned that it also happens if there’s a hill even with no bump. and because I knew I was going to have to suffer through it.

So last night I tightened the nut that allows the seat to tilt. Rode my bike approximately 6 feet from living room to bathroom. No tilty tilting. yay! This morning, hopped on my bike. Rode down the hill. Turned onto the level road at the bottom of the hill. *YYYYYYYOING* bike seat rams up into my crotch, like a skeletal greyhound nosing for treats in my special lady pocket. I wanted to cry it hurt so much. But I was already having issues seeing with the rain on my glasses. So I tried “posting.” See, when you ride a horse english style, you have to accommodate for the horse’s gait, which can be bumpy, by standing in the stirrups (really all your weight is on your knees/the horse’s withers, but standing in the stirrups achieves the same effect of butt not in contact with saddle or horse spine when the horse spine is rising up all bumpy bump bump) or at least that’s what I have been led to believe by friends who rode english style. (I’ve only done western.) so every time I saw a bump coming I stood on the pedals. This was not more comfortable, but at least it only hurt my thighs.  I complained a lot on social media and then GTA (Grand Theft Autumn, Majority Whip and DCRG trainer extraordinaire) suggested a split seat. So I researched that when I got home. And read about lady-balls* getting pinched in them and a middle ground option which has a groove or indentation where the bits go. I have dubbed this indentation the snatch-cup, for it will gently cup my snatch. And lo, I did buy one off amazon and am seriously debating whether or not to spend the extra 5 bucks on the bus for the next two days (driving in and paying for parking at the metro would be an extra 10.20, which I’ve deemed excessive at this time. But that 5 bucks? I could conceivably spend that 5 bucks. It would only be for riding home from the metro, as it’s light enough that I’m not afraid to walk to the metro in the morning. STUPID FARMERS HOURS MAKING IT DARK AT SUPER EARLY TIMES IN THE EVENING DURING WINTER.

*science fact: labia and the scrotum start out identical, until people possessing the y chromosome (generally!) develop them into the sac and people without (generally!) develop them into the labia. So technically not lady BALLS, as it’s the ovaries that start out identical to the testes, but close enough right? right.


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Filed under AUGH INJURIES, exercise, personal shit, Silly

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