Yesterday kinda sucked. But before it sucked, I got my cast off! Woo! (General commuting woes and missing half the day instead of just a couple hours because of them being the suckiness. And it was my fault, too, which made me mad at myself because it could have been avoided. BAH.) But anyway, MY ANKLE! IT’S NEKKID. Well, sometimes. During the work day I wear a brace. It laces and also has 3 different velcro straps. It is SRS BSNS NKL BRC. Much more serious than my ankle compression sleeve thingy. I’m still working on finding the happy medium between “this is useless” and “there are pressure marks for 3 hours after it is removed,” but it seems handy. I even wore normal, cute shoes yesterday! Which was a mistake. Today I wore sneakers. Much more comfortable! (to be fair, the cute shoes I wore are always uncomfortable. I knew that going in. But I thought the brace would be in the way of the uncomfortable bit at the back of my heel. It was not.)
My foot was super dried out. Particularly at the heel and along the bottom, but generally everywhere (including the lower ankle, where the incision scars are). Despite ridiculous amounts of lotion, it is still flaking off skin. But it IS slowly getting less flakey. My calf was dry too, but not super flakey dry. Just slightly drier than normal dry. Although that may be because I would stick my hand in my cast to rub off any skin flakes. (Sorry, I’m gross. Also it was itchy! Rubbing helped the itch without potentially causing any bleeding! IT WAS A COMPROMISE.)
Doctor Bear said my “x-rays look awesome” (direct quote) and that I should use my crutches to help me walk, but that I can step down to 1 crutch when I feel up to it, and then no crutches. And that he expects me to be crutchless in 6 weeks. And that I should do PT 2-3 times a week. My first appointment is Thursday after work. I’m super excited! I love PT. If I could afford to have a physical therapist-personal trainer hybrid type person help me work out all the time, I would love/hate it. When I did PT for my ankle sprain back before my other break (because, if you don’t remember, the ortho who handled my recovery wouldn’t prescribe PT after the break, the JERK), during one of my last sessions, they had me do a static squat on the joyboard for 4 minutes. That’s 4 minutes of squatting while the surface below you tilts left, right, forward, and back at random. AND I DID IT, MOTHERFUCKERS! YEAH! And then I wanted to collapse. But instead I got to lay on a cot kinda thing for 15 minutes while they wrapped my ankle in ice. Hopefully PT at the new place will be just as good (eventually. I imagine I’ll start with a lot of tilt board and scrunch the towel/unscrunch the towel. Because my left leg is like all fat from the knee down.)
Yesterday I tried to walk with one crutch but I couldn’t do it without limping and shortening my stride considerably, so I stuck with two all day after that. I walked really slow and ended up missing my train home (so I had to wait for the next one, which leaves 30 minutes later.) Today I shaved 5 minutes off the time it took me to get to the MARC platform! And I walked a few tiny steps entirely unassisted! Mostly because going 6 inches to the left or right is so much hassle with the crutches when I’ve leaned them against the shelves so I can file stuff in the folders. I did interfiles for 90 minutes before my foot was like “let’s just stop please.”
When I put any weight on my left leg, the bottom of my foot hurts (particularly in the center and at the bottom of the heel). I may have overdid things a bit today because there’s a bruise in the middle of the bottom of my foot today that wasn’t there yesterday. But I don’t know if it showed up overnight, either. *Shrug* The ankle itself doesn’t hurt though! And the bottom of my foot doesn’t hurt any more than it did. The muscles in my calf and my foot are all atrophied though. Aside from the foot pains (which are almost muscular because even if I’m not putting weight on my foot, if I flex my ankle it hurts) I have a SUPER flabby calf. I get a lot more give squeezing it with my hand when my foot is flexed than the other calf, which of course makes sense. But is annoying! I love how strong my calves are! Were. The muscle tone comes back pretty quickly (especially with 2-3 PT sessions a week, I’m sure!) This evening I stood on my left foot only! for like 2 seconds, but still! I slowly lifted my other foot, stood there, and then put my foot down!
While this is exciting, I’m still dealing with hella mental/emotional stressors, and I reached out to a potential therapist today. (Psychology Today has this searchable database thing to find mental health professionals with all sorts of criteria, so I searched for someone who can help me with depression, anxiety, and anger issues in a specific locality and who takes my insurance. Then I went through the bios/descriptions and picked out a couple, and I emailed one. The other I’m calling tomorrow. Hopefully I can work something out scheduling-wise, because part of the reason I keep having bad days is that my emotional reaction to setbacks right now is to panic and cry and berate myself for being a fuckup or obsess over things and think about suicide*, and that’s no fun. When I’m emotionally healthier, I can roll with the punches a lot more, and therapy helps me stay emotionally healthy. Though I’d like to do something more/different than talk therapy, but I don’t know what, so we’ll see.
*I’m cool, I’m not going to do it. I have a plan for dealing with it if it starts looking more tempting. For any new readers who are not as ensconced in the depression lane of the mental health pool, this is called suicidal ideation, which just means I’m thinking about it and not that I’m planning on doing it. It happens a lot. Almost a kneejerk reaction to setbacks when I’m low, really. I’ve managed not to act on it for over a decade so don’t worry too much.