lots of going through the motions and escaping into fiction to pretend that nothing has happened combined with lots of stupid thoughts that I know are stupid and yet can’t stop thinking. I have a weird, irrational guilt. When her husband mentioned the liver problems I made sure he knew my blood type and that I’d get tested if she needed a transplant of anything. I feel weirdly like I made Meredith not recover by offering, which I know is totally ridiculous but there that is.
I had a first session with a new therapist last night. It went well and I expect that it will help. I did feel better for a bit after.
It’s unreal to think that I can never see my best friend again.