I am not okay.

lots of going through the motions and escaping into fiction to pretend that nothing has happened combined with lots of stupid thoughts that I know are stupid and yet can’t stop thinking. I have a weird, irrational guilt. When her husband mentioned the liver problems I made sure he knew my blood type and that I’d get tested if she needed a transplant of anything. I feel weirdly like I made Meredith not recover by offering, which I know is totally ridiculous but there that is.

I had a first session with a new therapist last night. It went well and I expect that it will help. I did feel better for a bit after.

It’s unreal to think that I can never see my best friend again.

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9 Comments

Filed under depression, heavy shit, mental health, personal shit

9 responses to “I am not okay.

  1. So sorry to hear about this. I’m glad you feel as though the therapist might help you deal with your guilt, but you have nothing to feel guilty about.

    • I know. It’s sort of a magical thinking thing, like if I hadn’t thought it was bad enough that she might need a transplant, then it wouldn’t have been so bad and she’d have recovered. which is not true but

  2. dixie

    We all love the absolute crap out of you. No matter what. No matter how good times are, or how bad times are. And I just want to hug you because I think you’re amazing and I am so sorry for your loss. For the world’s loss. And I am so happy that she made such an impact on the world and her short time period. I won’t always know what to say. But I will always have open ears.

  3. You are entitled to your feelings. They are yours and nobody can tell you how to grieve for your best friend, but please try not to feel guilty. Volunteering to be tested for what could have been a life-saving procedure for your friend was a very selfless thing to do.

    I’m glad you found a therapist that you can relate to. Just know that a lot of people are sending you good thoughts. *hugs*

  4. I’m so sorry you are hurting. Only a true friend would have offered and meant it.

  5. Marlaknyu

    Hello, I used to teach with Meredith and many of us want to know about memorial details.Do you know anyone I can contact? I am very sorry for your loss. She was a great lady.

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