Status Update: Numb with chance of sporadic impotent rage and scattered tears

so basically your standard depressive episode. So many people have reached out in various ways and I mostly have not responded to any of them. I see and appreciate them but I just don’t have the energy to respond if I want to stay as okay as I am (which is not at all okay, but I know it would be worse). So take this as acknowledgement and thanks, please.

The Boy has been coming home early to spend more time with me because he is worried. Which is nice, because more time with him. But also weird, because that’s what ‘not usual’ means, and this is definitely unusual, so…also weird because I feel like I have to be okay. Not because he needs me to be or is pressing me to be; he isn’t and doesn’t (though he would like me to feel better because he loves me, which is not the same thing, and I understand that) but I feel like I have to be okay because he loves me and wants me to feel better. So I want to feel better for him. And also for me, because feeling shitty is shitty.

I was already sliding into a depression before Meredith died; 6 weeks unable to be as physically active as you’re used to being take a big toll. but it’s gotten a lot worse with the addition of grief. I keep sharing stuff on FB and tumblr, I comment on stuff, I occasionally get irrationally angry at other commuters, other posters/commenters, coworkers. Mostly I don’t feel anything at all and dread being awake. If I can do something enjoyable, like read or watch something, anything that helps pass the time really, I will. But that’s all it is, trying to force the time to go faster so I can sleep. I’m not even sleeping more (or less) than usual, which generally comes with depression. At work, when I have something simple and repetitive to do, it actually helps because I can put on my ipod and just do it over and over until it’s time to go home. When I’m home, I read or watch tv or a movie. I can sink into the story a little and feel emotions in a safe way. That’s good; I’m okay-ish then. When I sleep, that’s the best; weird dreams of what I read or watched mixed in with old memories, none of which is scary or upsetting but mildly interesting in the same way entertainment is. I never want to get up. I feel so tired when the alarm goes off. I called in sick today (headache) but had a hard time falling back asleep (and when I go to work, can’t seem to sleep on the train like I used to) which is weird, because I’m so tired. It’s like the act of getting up, even for only a few minutes, ruins my ability to sleep. I have been taking naps at work during my lunch hour most days. There’s a break room with a couch. Usually I just fall asleep a few minutes before my alarm goes off, but it’s still restful to lay down in the dark and just breathe.

I wish I knew what I needed, so I could tell people who want to help and support me and they could do it. But I just don’t know. I’m too numb. apathetic. though you wouldn’t know it to look at my social media accounts because it’s easy to fake being who I am when I’m healthy. Which is probably not good. But whatever. When I walk from the metro station to work, I don’t hurry anymore. if I’m late, I’m late. it’s not going to change anything. I don’t hurry through crosswalks. If a car hits me, it hits me. I can’t make it not hit me. I hurry a little on the way home, because missing the marc train means sitting around union station for a while and I don’t want to.

my insurance has still not approved my PT. I called the PT office to check because I hadn’t heard anything and it’s been over a week since I went for my evaluation. Its listed as pending still. I should probably call the insurance company and find out what is taking so long, since 2 of the 6 weeks since I was told to start PT have elapsed and I’ve not technically done any. But its more effort than I care to put into it right now. I can walk without the brace, I can go up stairs without assistance or the brace. I cannot go downstairs, with or without it, unless I keep the left ankle totally straight, which makes it take twice as long. It hurts, which it mostly didn’t when I wasn’t doing anything but it was broken. I can do some stuff at home and some at work, but I mostly don’t. getting flexibility back and some strength, but not as much as I should be, because no PT.

basically if I could stay home and pet cats and watch tv and read books forever, that’d be okay. shitty, but a familiar, comfortable shitty.

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2 Comments

Filed under AUGH INJURIES, depression, kinda heavy shit, life, life in general, mental health, personal shit, physical therapy

2 responses to “Status Update: Numb with chance of sporadic impotent rage and scattered tears

  1. Dixie

    Yep. It took over a year of dealing with an abusive boss who made me miserable before I knew how to tell people how to help me. You do you – you do what you need to do to feel as good as you can. No judgment here if “as good as you can” isn’t “good.” If that means ignoring this comment until maybe at some point you need me. Or any of the many things in between. Just reiterating my love, reminding you that I am here should you ever need me, and thinking very fondly of you.

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