holding pattern

everything is very muted right now. Like I went from trying not to feel to just not being able to, mostly. I spend my day in a state of mild irritation interspersed with mild amusement/pleasure. When I’m driving I am slightly more irritated. When the cats get along I am slightly pleased. when the Boy says something funny or shares something funny, I am mildly amused. That’s basically it. I saw this on FB this morning and I felt like I should feel something, but nope. The only time I felt anything the past several days was last night, when I got a care package from a friend last night. It was covered in stickers and contained lots of goodies and a note explaining why she included each item, and I was touched that she sent it. I felt like I might tear up, too, but didn’t.

On Saturday we had to take Fitz to the emergency vet because he wasn’t peeing, but he was trying to pee every 10-20 seconds or so. It’s potentially life threatening. I had a twinge of worry when I learned that, then got the address for the emergency vet (who also has a surgery center and handled Pico’s spaying, and years and years ago, near the ned of her life, we took our dog there when she was staying with grandmom for a week) and the whole ride there I was completely, out of character-ly calm. If this was a calm achieved in a different way it might even be healthy but since it’s not, I sat in the passenger seat wondering if I should worry about how much I wasn’t worrying. But I couldn’t be bothered.

In positive news, Fitz is fine (UTI or bladder infection probably, they gave me painkillers to give him so he wouldn’t feel the pressure to pee when he doesn’t have to pee) and the cats are getting along most of the time. Mine stay upstairs during the night and they mostly don’t harass Pico. They all seem to have decided that sleeping in the bedroom at night with us is off-limits (though two nights ago Zelda spent some time on the bed after lights were turned off, and when I leave, if I don’t lock them downstairs they take that as their cue to hang out with the Boy and harass him even though I feed them) Pico licks the spoon after I feed them wet food and Zelda’s learned not to charge up the steps (Pico gets to lick the spoon up at the top of the steps, they eat on the landing) so everyone likes that arrangement. Yay wet food.  If she is startled by my cats she gets VERY hissy and spitty, but otherwise they stay out of her way and she stays out of theirs.



Filed under cats, depression, life, mental health, personal shit

2 responses to “holding pattern

  1. Hey Mel, I’ve been reading your last few blog posts. Thank you for all the beautiful things you’ve said about Meredith. It still brings tears to my eyes to read this and probably always will but they are less tears of despair and more tears of joy knowing that she was so loved by so many people. Please let me know if you need anything!

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