Money and Drugs

Things have not been going well for me. this is gonna be long.

work is good (I am gonna, at some point, get $2/hr more by switching to a job in another division which is a temporary position but will potentially become permanent if I and the other people hired for it do well and impress said division). things with the boy are good (we finished that whole moving into our new house thing, and now we just have to get everything put away but we’re off to a good start there). cats are healthy and silly and generally good. (my) money and health are not good.

My car got all sorts of busted up when we moved (well technically last summer but it got BAD when we moved). I’ve had a lot of health related issues this summer/fall, so on top of my regular bills, I have a lot of medical bills to pay. only my paycheck is feeling like Bilbo after he owns the ring for a few decades and a lot of times the bills I think I’ve paid don’t actually get paid. Sometimes I notice, sometimes I don’t. Rarely, I get notified before a few months pass.

apparently I haven’t paid for health insurance since September (and technically I didn’t pay for it then, since I got charged several times for returned check fees for that payment) so I don’t have insurance now. They didn’t cover stuff from September to November when they dropped me from my coverage, but they did negotiate discounts for me. But in November I had to go to the urgent care who sent me to the ER who charged me a lot of money to hang out and also get a picture of my renal system. (That was actually the cheapest part of the visit. For laying in a bed waiting for meds to get out of my system so I didn’t die.) So I have to pay 100% of that in addition to all the negotiated down bills and the bills I already had to pay for general life living, such as my education loans, my credit cards, and, you know, like buying groceries and stuff. The Boy of course helps with shared expenses (and covers them, a lot of the time, since he makes more than I do and doesn’t think 50/50 is a fair split, which I agree even though I really want to be able to contribute 50% on shared things) but I’ve been slowly drowning while waving to show I’m okay.  The Boy asked, because I basically leave my open mail all over everything everywhere and he is not dumb. but anything really scary that got left laying around only got left around when it was already taken care of. a labcorp bill for 6 bucks that went to collections because it was only for 6 bucks so I could wait until I paid something bigger and got paid again it’s no big deal, I probably could pay it at any time but right after I get paid I gotta use that chunk of green for the big bills right? so I get a collections notice, shrug and pay it because now it’s actually important. He asks. I say it’s fine. rinse, repeat.

a couple days before Christmas he asked me about my bills and we had to have a real come to jesus talk. and I have some friends (Pants de Leon and BeBe Aggressive, both with/formerly with DCRG) whose jobs are to handle money who have offered some advice when I told them what was up. BeBe helps people with student loans (which is the bulk of my debt) and Pants does accounting. They have both been so helpful with advice and resources and now I just have to actually start acting on it.

But this fall has been very busy. My psychiatrist died back in September. I found out in December when I ran out of some of my meds. I have an appointment with a new psychiatrist (literally within walking distance of our new house, I hope they’re good because I would love to not have to drive drive drive for appts) but it’s not until the middle of January. So I am just stuck going through withdrawal. It’s a psych med, but I take it for my migraines, so I’m going to see if I can get my neuro to give me a month without an appointment (he’s filled it before) but right now I am all serotonin zaps and talking too fast and crying at the slightest thing whether it evokes a corresponding emotion or not. People assume being bipolar is emotional whiplash. It’s not. Bipolar is like, sometimes you’re depressed and sometimes you have too much to focus on but you are bursting with the energy to do it all until suddenly you’re not. going off serotonin regulators is emotional whiplash. I am full of rage and tears and numbness at any given second. and it feels like it’s normal.

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