Category Archives: political

Why I’m not attending the women’s march in DC tomorrow.

Let’s get this out of the way: if you are going, I think that’s awesome. I think it’s very important to demonstrate in a multitude of ways what you want from your government, and protests are a completely valid way to do so (not that you needed me to validate you!) However, I’m choosing to sit this one out.

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Filed under Anti-ableism, anti-classism, anti-racism, anti-rape culture, feminist, humanist, LGBTQ, personal shit, Uncategorized

More details about my experience being hospitalized for my mental health, part 2

Psychiatric hospitals are really boring. When the EMTs wheeled me in they stuck me in an assessment office with doors that lock regardless of what side of them you’re on. I fiddled with my phone, emailing my boss to let him know I didn’t know when I’d be back at work and why, and updating my FB page with a photo of my ER ID bracelets and letting my FB friends know I was going to be in a psychiatric hospital.

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Filed under depression, I'm a nutter, mental health, personal shit, stigma against mentally ill, suicide

More details about my experience being hospitalized for my mental health, part 1

first: got PT appointments scheduled finally! and today is Meredith’s birthday ❤

As mentioned earlier this week, I went to the hospital last week for depression. I had been in a depressive episode for a while but keeping my head above water, and then when Meredith died it was more like just keeping my nose above water. The morning I went to the ER, The Boy and I had a fight via IM (well, more like I had a fight and he was bewildered) and I spent a good hour or so quietly crying at my desk.

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Filed under depression, kinda heavy shit, mental health, personal shit, stigma against mentally ill, suicide

I was in the hospital for depression but I’m back now, bitches

I might write more about it later but the basics are: Wed the 12th was a no good, very bad, horrible day and I was not doing well. My boss called EAP to get me help. They wanted me to go to the ER despite the fact that I felt that I was no longer a danger to myself at that point so The Boy came downtown to go with me. I spent Wednesday night at the GWU ER, their psych unit was full so they found an area hospital to transfer me to, and I spent from Thursday morning until Wednesday afternoon at that hospital. I could probably have done fine without going to the hospital but both the EAP counselor and the psychiatrist at GW wanted me to go so…

I’m happy to be home (mental hospitals, though not torturous prisons, are not terribly fun places to be) and will probably talk more about the experience over the weekend. Those of you who knew I was there, I appreciate the love and well wishes you sent. Those of you who didn’t, I know you would have sent the same if you had known.

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Filed under I'm a nutter, life, mental health, stigma against mentally ill, suicide

Observations

Last week I was home most of the time (I took a trip to the library on Saturday) so I had a break from commuting and dealing with strangers. This week I have been back at the office. There are some things I’ve noticed that I want to discuss.  (I’ll probably have a post about the terrorist attack in SC up in a few days, too, though I don’t know if I have anything new to add to the discussion. It may just be a collection of quotes and links.) It’s taken me a little while to put my feelings about these things into words.

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We are ALL culpable.

As a military-brat, I never had a “hometown.” My grandparents’ homes were the most stable parts of my life. For whatever reason, we saw my MD grandparents more, so I identified more strongly with Baltimore than Pittsburgh. (My grandparents on both sides lived in the suburbs of their respective cities, but no one knows where the hell you’re talking about when you say “Murrysville” unless they are from there or have family from there, too. One of those lessons you get from moving around is to tell people you’re coming from someplace they’ve heard of, not the actual specific place you’re from.) Baltimore isn’t my city, but it’s one that’s always held a special place in my heart. Before moving to where my grandmother currently lives, she and my grandfather lived in Baltimore, raised some of their children there. Our family bakery, though also a bit nomadic, was there. (Still is, though no longer in the family by blood, it was purchased by members of the bakery and they’re family in our hearts.) My grandfather spent close to half a century commuting to and from there. The Orioles, in as much as I had a horse in baseball, were my team. My favorite day of the year is the year I can drag someone to the National Aquarium in Baltimore. I non-ironically call Baltimore Charm City and though I don’t drink it, I smile when I see Mr. Boh, the Natty Boh mascot, and the billboard of him and Ms. Utz.

And the rioting in Baltimore is my fault. It’s almost certainly your fault, too.

We have busy lives; there’s a lot to worry about whether it’s your health, your job (or getting one), your family, your friends, your hobbies…it’s hard to pay attention to everything we need to see. Sometimes it hurts to pay attention to the things we need to see. So we don’t. We see people suffering and think “well I can’t make a difference, I’m suffering too.” “I can’t make a difference, this is too hard.” “I can’t make a difference, this is too big.” But the fact of the matter is, every time we look away, every time we don’t say anything, we are being complicit in the results of those injustices we’re not looking at, not talking about. The rioting didn’t happen in a vacuum. It wasn’t a mob of angry black people being angry for no reason and attacking every and anything they could to express it. Decades of losing more and more legal, viable sources of income, of being priced out of family homes because there’s a Whole Foods on the corner now, of being arrested for “gaming, dice” has made residents of the less savory parts of Baltimore angry, and why wouldn’t they be? Wouldn’t you be? The needless and thus far unexplained death of Freddie Gray was simply the spark that lit the powderkeg (a remarkably small powderkeg, I might add, as it was only about 1% of the people present at the protests that were actually engaged in rioting and illegal behavior).

Martin Luther King has been used by a lot of people since last summer as a mallet to bludgeon people into behaving. “MLK wouldn’t like this. MLK would condemn the rioting.” It’s true, he would. He has, in fact, spoken in condemnation of rioting in 1968. But that’s not the end of what he said about it.

It is not enough for me to stand before you tonight and condemn riots. It would be morally irresponsible for me to do that without, at the same time, condemning the contingent, intolerable conditions that exist in our society. These conditions are the things that cause individuals to feel that they have no other alternative than to engage in violent rebellions to get attention. And I must say tonight that a riot is the language of the unheard.

What haven’t we been hearing? Have we seen/read/heard about people who are powerless being treated like trash by those in power? Have we ignored it because we have our own issues? Though I try to help my fellow man as best I can, I am guilty of ignoring the quieter cries of those people. So while I also sympathize with any small business owners who have to deal with getting their insurance companies to cover the damages, I do not blame the people of Baltimore for lifting their voices in a stronger language. We wouldn’t listen when they were calm. Will we listen now?

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Filed under -_-, adulting, anti-classism, anti-racism, FROWN, heavy shit, LESSONS, life, political

Lots of derby this weekend; doing it for 57

It was a very busy weekend for me. I had lots of event invitations and 2 derby bouts and a practice all scheduled. I didn’t get to do all the stuff I wanted to do. I did a lot of sleeping though! Basically all I did was the bouts and sleeping. because OH MY GOD SO TIRED. Luckily that should be a bit of a smaller problem now….

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Filed under adulting, bout report, depression, derby, derbylove, feminist, humanist, I'm a nutter, mental health, officiating, political, stigma against mentally ill, suicide, talk of suicide trigger warning