We’re in for a trip down Memory Lane with visits to the Does that Mean Something store and the If So, What? Emporium.
This has been swimming in and out of my consciousness for about a week now, but it’s unlikely to come out entirely coherently or have much of a point-the occasional flash of light on scales is all I got. Okay, here goes. In high school I spent a couple years pining, Nice Guy(TM) style, after one of my male friends (A). Senior year, I started hanging out with another male friend(B) a lot, and he developed a crush on me (which I, in true tunnel-visioned teenager fashion, totally failed to notice.) Eventually, I think B told me, or asked me out, or something. I don’t really remember much except being completely floored by the news, which I think was delivered backstage in the auditorium, possibly during a rehearsal or during a theater class. Some time later, likely after rejection and an interest in preserving the friendship was expressed, I asked him why he liked me. I had moaned and whined about A to B for months before the reveal, again, Nice Guy(TM) style, and I could not imagine what anyone could see in me since A didn’t see it. (Hey, I was 17.) The answer was something I had never considered to be one of my attributes, let alone a positive one. B liked how passionately I seemed to feel everything. I didn’t think it was anything different than any other girl our age (and at 17, it probably wasn’t!) But knowing everything I know about myself from the past 14-15 years, it makes me wonder: was he actually into me because of my mental illness? Not that he thought of it that way, or anything, but it just seems like the thing he liked about me (which I HATED about myself) was the thing that was (and is) most affected by my mental health issues. And granted, I’m also cute, and fun, and nice, and all that was factored into his interest, too, no doubt, but this is the thing he focused on. Is this a good thing? A bad thing? An it-doesn’t-matter-it’s-part-of-who-you-are-now-shut-up thing? I don’t know. It’s just something I noticed.